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2005-09-03 - 9:43 p.m.


Labor Day Weekend TV Marathons Really Melt My Churned Butter

They turned TV Land into "TV Landon" this weekend. All the Bonanza, Highway to Heaven and Little House on the Prairie you've ever wanted all rolled into one big super-duper event!

I don't care much for the first two, but LITTLE HOUSE??! Ohmygod! On the first episode, Charles needed extra money, so for three weeks he took on two jobs during the day (he didn't even have time to eat breakfast!) and at NIGHT, he plowed the fields. Caroline was all worried about him, and Laura and Mary were in charge of being underfoot and making sure the cornbread wasn't burnt to a fucking crisp. Carrie was babbling retardedly and taking up valuable seconds of screentime, per usual.

One fine Sunday morning, Charles fell asleep in his church clothes while Caroline was busy getting the girls ready. (I think hair braiding was involved). Charles was so plum tuckered out, so Caroline sighed and let him sleep. At church, Reverend Alden got all bitchy and up in everyone's shit because after looking around, he noticed "some faces were missing" and that they're all sinners, going straight to hell, but ok, let's sing now. About SINNERS.

Caroline comes home to find Charles plowing the fields on the LORD'S DAY and she ripped him a new one. But Charles said the Lord isn't going to plow his field and that God understands farmers. Take THAT Caroline! She stomped off in a huff. She was obviously on the rag. Actually, literally, cuz they didn't have Kotex back then.

In bed that night, Caroline was reading the Bible all sulky-like and Charles FINALLY turned to her and apologized. Caroline said it was such a waste of time to be mad at him, and she turned off the lamp, and I'm pretty sure they had some good ol' fashioned country hoochie-coochie. Luckily she put the Bible on the night table first. I don't think the Lord would be nearly as understanding about jizz on his bestselling novel.

Next day, Charles was all but finished with his work at the grain store and the mill. Get this: He not only paid off his lumber bill, but Mr. "yah, yah" Hansen said he owed Charles half a dollar! HALF A DOLLAR! That's like 50 cents! So then, to make things even BETTER, Hansen said Charles was a good worker, yah, yah, and after he got some rest to come by and start working for him at the mill half days. Holy shitballs! Charles was happy as a lark, whistling and shit while he washed up for dinner. He even read his two non-retarded girls a story and promised to take them on an ALL-DAY PICNIC tomorrow! DOES IT GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS?!

On BIG FUCKING PICNIC DAY, Charles and the girls ran around like wild dogs. Of course, Carrie fell a bunch of times. At one point, her knickers fell down and Charles and Caroline thought that was pretty goddamned hilarious. Then it was kite time and everyone marveled that Charles could fly a kite, which struck me as rather odd. He can build a whole house, but they're amazed he can fly a kite? Like this is difficult? Anyhoo, the kite took a nose dive into a big tree (well, maybe SO) and Charles, feeling way to cocky for those britches of his, says he'll climb up and get it. (Nooooooooo!) As expected, he falls and breaks 4 ribs. Stupid fucker. And he's still got work to finish! But Mr. Hansen said the work can wait at the mill and he'll explain it to the grain store guy. Like grain store guy gives a rat's ass. He bebops over to the Chez Ingalls, where Caroline's plowing the field with the oxen on a SUNDAY, no less. A contract's a contract, and the work wasn't done on time so the oxen are HIS! No amount of pleading works (may I suggest a country blow job?) but Caroline's such a fucking prude so grain store asshole walks off with blue balls and the oxen (Babe and Fred, I'm thinking).

Caroline tells Charles what happened and wrings her hands a lot. Charles painfully rolls out of bed to put on his shirt. No one takes Babe and Fred right out from under the nose of Charles Ingalls! He storms into town and demands to see the contract from the grain dickhead. The contract doesn't expire until midnight! Grain guy's a THIEF to boot! So Charles hobbles over to the grain store to finish stacking bags, which are in piles about 17 miles high. But you know that Charles, he's nothing if not DETERMINED. Hansen and Doc Baker see him from across the street and are like "What's that stupid fucker doing NOW?" Meanwhile, Charles is trying to drag bags of grain up to the top of the heap and he's moving as S-L-O-W as Carrie's brain.

Laura and Mary have run to town, no doubt on Ma's request, to find out what the fuck Pa is up to ("if he can't fly a kite, how can he stack grain?") They peep into the store just as Pa falls down off the pile and goes BOOM. Pa! Pa! You're such a fucking klutz! Then, suddenly, the men of town come pouring from their business to help out (took you long enough! I have to ask, is your mayor George Bush?) So they come streaming in to help stack the grain, while Charles, still lying there immobile on a sack all sweaty, hunky, muscular, HOT, gets that look in his eyes. You know what I'm talking about. That glisteny tearful "I love the Lord/fellow mankind/Mr. Edwards" look.

If only the world was like Walnut Grove.

Which it kinda's turning out to be with all the efforts pouring into the Gulf Coast. Of course, the delay in government aid for so long really chaps my hide. I can't believe it took them till Friday to sign the Emergency Relief bill! That thing should've been signed MONDAY. It's not like they didn't have any goddamned warning this was going to be MASSIVE. Troops and aid should've been ready for deployment at the closest possible spot the minute the storm passed through. And some at the Superdome before the storm hit. Fuck, even jumped in to help get evacuees out beforehand.

By the way, my big W&D in exchange for a Red Cross donation idea which was passed along to the media amounted to squat. Which I pretty much figured, but I thought maybe they'd call me to get more details and perhaps mention it on one of their websites, in between stories about the latest car accident victims, and the bullshit about our ass backwards governor, who pardoned people in his own administration who were under investigation. Oddly, he was still squaking away about his reasons for this decision, when every other governor was focused on, oh, I dunno, the huge fucking hurricane.

So in regards to the set (because this is important!), after talking to bastard apartment people, who, I'm convinced, hate me, I discovered there were no available storage units for rent. I said I'd call a charity and have them pick up the set. The gal mentioned having a re-drawing and then put me on the phone with the manager.

After all this, she finally says, "Why don't we just give you a certificate for a cruise? Of course, it's not totally free. There are port charges and whatnot, but it's around the same value. And we'll have a re-drawing for the washer and dryer."

WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU MENTION THAT EARLIER? When I: 1) said initially I already had a set, 2) said later I was having trouble selling the new set.

Which of course also means that the whole "you need to remove these by Friday at 5:30 pm" was total bullshit.

So now, I will be getting a certificate for a cruise.

What the fuck am I gonna do with a cruise?

Because, as you may have realized, I ain't the Love Boat type. But at least this new prize will come in an envelope, with an 18 month window, perfect for stuffing into a box and promptly forgetting about.

Oh shit! I gotta get back to Little House. Laura climbed up on a mountain and made friends with Ernest Borgnine. SWEET!


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