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2006-10-03 - 7:47 p.m.

Let's Hope They've Got Vintage Madonna on the Jukebox

As I zoomed up to the second floor for my doctor's appointment this morning (stairs are for people who aren't lazy and running late), I noticed the inspection sticker above the control panel.

The permit was filled out by the state's Elevator Safety Department.

Geez. A whole department devoted to elevator safety. That must be a fun bunch.

I began to wonder what would be entailed in being an elevator inspector. Up and down. Up and down. Punching lots of buttons. Testing the emergency phones. Crawling around in shafts and checking cables. Opening and closing the doors. Over and over. Annoying people who are lazy and running late by making them take the stairs. (INSPECTION IN PROGRESS FOR YOUR SAFETY! YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK!)

Now, I can kinda understand the appeal of wanting to repair elevators, but inspecting them? All day long? For a living? Gawd.

I mentally added "Elevator Inspector" to the list of jobs I'd never want to do.

On a whim tonight, I looked up that job title for the state of Kentucky. Check out the duties for Elevator Inspector I (pay close attention to the first sentence):

"Assists an elevator inspector in learning the duties of the inspection of elevators. Assists in the inspection and in the preparation of reports of inspections. Attends training sessions administrated by supervisor."

The job of an entry-level Elevator Inspector is to assist another inspector in learning how to inspect elevators?

WHAT THE VERTICAL FUCK?

Obviously, someone mis-typed that (it's the state gov'ment, who gives a shit, right?) since the only thing worse than being an elevator inspector is being stuck in a windowless (basement?) room writing job descriptions about elevator inspectors.

But hey, the pay's good and you get about 72 holidays off a year. Including, but not limited to:

Opposite Day, Sunshine Day, Senior Skip Day (prolly May 11th - ck w/ Tina), Field Day, Doris Day, Hug a Hermaphrodite Day, Hitler Was A Complete Schizoid Asshole Day, Friendship Day, Mortal Enemy Day, Get Thy Ass to Sears Day (Presidents' Day), Trailer Fire Insurance Claim Day (July 5th), Jimmy Buffett Daze #1 (Memorial Day weekend), Jimmy Buffett Daze #2 (Labor Day weekend), Schlitz, Ritz & Cheese Day (Tanka Milwaukee! Tanka Kraft!), Fuck, It's Almost Yew Nears! (Christmas?), Where Am I? Day, (Hippy New Ears!! Hoppy Nears! Happy Ears..Yay!), Whatevs/Alka Seltzer Day, and of course, Be Happy You Work in a One-Story Building Day.

I tell ya, I'm about thisclose to applying for a Kentucky state job. Let's ALL apply!

I can teach you to learn what I assisted you with, when I learned what you taught me, after I taught you what I learned, when I assisted you!

Remember?

Of course you don't!

WHEE! Another round of Schlitz, bartender. It's Jimmy Buffett's birthday tomorrow.

*high fives*