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2006-10-15 - 10:38 a.m.

TiVo Diva

I know I'm getting older, because I have a harder time concentrating, and spelling words like "concentrating."

But I really noticed it the other night, while walking the dogs. When SweetPea's paws hit the paved trail, I said "Ohhh, honey. You forgot your shoes!"

Huh?

Did I just say what I think I just said?

Oh shit.

Anyhoo, I'm sure screwing around every night with TiVo isn't helping matters any. Brain rot on fast forward!

Although I DO try to record something educational everyday, even if I only watch 10 minutes and then delete it to make room for more episodes of "Mad About You," circa 1992. Way before the baby crap...and Helen Hunt's overrated performance on the BIG screen that won her an Oscar, and subsequent million dollar an episode paychecks. Hence, still funny.

Not REALLY funny, but ya know, enjoyable in a cozy Paul & Jamie are SO cute together in their NYC apartment with an adorable dog and "I can't believe we've been married six months and you're only NOW telling me you used to fuck donkeys in Mexico. THIS...I did not know about you. I suppose now you're going to tell me you used to wear hats in college. Am I right? I knew it!" newlywed kiss-and-make up spats way.

And after the last commercial break, when Paul and Jamie are cozied up in bed, he turns to her tenderly and says "Honey, I'm so sorry I got all upset that you used to wear berets and flirt with your married English professor. That was in the past. The past! Over and done with. Won't bring it up again. *Smooch* But...you might want to have the doctor check out that flea infestation in your cooter."

Wouldn't that have been AWESOME?

That show could so totally be updated for 2006. We could call it "Pissed You Exist."

He types with one hand at night, trolling for underage girls (almost got busted when Dateline NBC was in town); She despises wiping off the sticky keyboard every morning to read Kathy cartoons and check out her latest assignment from Perverted Justice.

Hilarity ensues.

It'll be like Mr. and Mrs. Smith, only really fucking creepy.

Coo.

At any rate, I fear that TiVo has me conflicted. I love it, yet hate it. Watching TV is a goddamned interactive chore now. So many things to DO. So many things to WATCH. So LITTLE recording TIME. So many CHOICES. I love "Grey's Anatomy" but do I love it MORE than "Six Feet Under"? Should I clip Ellen's show to catch King of Queens? Should I cancel a Law & Order season pass to make room for yet another documentary about Atlantis Found! (an lost again) on the History channel? How many times do I need to see X-Files re-runs?

Out of guilt, I played "Little House on the Prairie: Charles Made a Neato Table That Someone Appreciated in 1982" for the dogs, while I tiptoed out in the living room, because I was terrified to delete it without it being watched. By dogs. At the very least.

A few minutes later, the dogs scurried into the other room to be near me. Apparently, the table episode sucked. (Sorry Charlie!)

And I can't even look at the new goods on TV until I cancel three Season passes. And that fucking TiVo remote. Smooth and comfy in my hands. Precious, my precious. Delete, save, pause, play, back, forwards...Too fast! Too slow!, Realizing an hour = 20 minutes of content when you skip all the commercials (bastards!), and why did TiVo suggest I might like the A-Team?

Oh HELL NO.

It didn't know me yet. Right. It didn't know me. Calm down.

Be coo.

Be very coo.

*deep breath*

Awhile later I wandered back in the bedroom. TiVo had a question for me. But of course.

"Do you want to save this recording?"

Jesus. I DON'T KNOW!

I wandered over to the nightstand and grabbed the remote.

I know I need the space, but I might be in the mood to watch that Little House episode later. What to do? WHAT TO DO? Be-booop: "Save"

"X-Files will be deleted early. Cold Case Files will be deleted early. Hitler: The Squirrely Years will be deleted early."

LEAVE ME ALONE! Oh god, make it stop! Be-boop. Boop. Boop. Fine, delete that. But still record that Atlantis show on Discovery. Cancel the Thailand hookers special to make room for Bad Santa.

Alright, are we done here? I have to go live my life now, if you don't mind.

"TiVo needs to change the channel at 6 pm to record a program. Is that ok?"

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! I'M GOING IN THE OTHER ROOM NOW. I MIGHT EVEN GO OUTSIDE. IS THAT OK WITH YOU?

"TiVo can't find 'Other Room' or 'Go Outside' on the schedule."

FUCK OFF!

*storming out of room*

"Whatevs, bee-yotch! See how you like it when TiVo deletes all your programs and records nothing but A-Team episodes. HA!"

*turning on heels*

Did you just mention A-Team and Record in the same sentence?

"Yes. Yes I did. TiVo is angry. Is that ok?"

Awww, little buddy. I'm sorry. Sometimes you really annoy me though.

"And I can't believe you don't like the A-Team. That shit is off the hook!"

Look, we're all entitled to our opinions. But don't ever record A-Team again. I'm gonna run out to the store for awhile. Maybe I'll buy you a new cable or something, ok?

"Ok! A better shelving unit would be nice too."

Don't push it.