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2006-10-19 - 6:28 p.m.

It's Only Thursday?

Word to the wise: When you point the remote at the fireplace, the volume will not go down on the TV set.

It's all rainy and cozy here tonight. I've got candles lit, the fire going, and the volume blaring on the TV.

Yes, indeedy, fall has finally descended on my little neck of the woods. Tis my favorite time of year. Crispy and crunchy. Like a big bowl of taco shells and croutons.

I will not raid the pantry. I will not raid the pantry.

Over the last few weeks, I've been taking the longer, but more scenic route home from work. I drive past some of the most beautiful horse farms in the area, down winding country roads lined with gorgeous trees.

When I navigate the backroads, I take a left after I visit the post office and basically drive in a big squiggly 'U' shape until I hit the main road again. While beautiful, it can get tiresome to get stuck behind a tractor, or in front of a speeding moron in a truck or sports car. There are only a few stretches of road where you can safely pass, and even those are dicey. Since there's not a shoulder, an intended relaxing drive after work can turn into an ass pain.

Or, halfway through my journey, the weariness of the day catches up with me and I want to get home already.

Finally it dawned on me that I should look for a way to traverse one side of the 'U' to the other to save some time when needed. You know how you can see something a million times and never pay attention to it? And one day you see it and say "Hey!"

A few weeks back I finally took note of a road off to the right that I'd never traveled down before. I wonder where that leads?

(Why not check it out?)

Nah, too tired to get lost right now.

So last week, before I pulled out of the post office, I whipped out a map. "Ah! If I turn right onto Williams, then take a left at the end, it'll take me to Pisgah Pike. Excellent!"

It turned out to be a charming drive. Not as beautiful as my usual backroads drive, but interesting and pretty nonetheless. Less traffic too (two cars headed in the opposite direction). Plus it shaved off about 10 minutes of driving time. Sweet!

Now it's my new quicker scenic route (abbreviated beauty).

Why didn't I try that sooner? (Because I was stuck in a rut, that's why).

I don't know if you've heard this, but when your days start blending together, and you can't remember what you did last week, much less last month, one of the easiest remedies is to change your daily habits.

For 'sample, brushing your teeth with your other hand, changing the order of your morning or evening routine, stopping off someplace you've never been (the restaurant you always wondered was any good, an antique store, the mom & pop gas station with the "old-timey" pumps where credit cards are met with an icy stare. Cash is king. Local checks are taken suspiciously "if'n that's all ya got," but you best have a "phonummer" and "Ahh-D." $25 'turned check fee. The notice is handwritten in faded marker on piece of paper circa 1978 on the counter, covered by 7,000 overlapping pieces of scotch tape).

You gotta mix it up to make it memorable, right?

Now, I'm a homebody, so walking to the mailbox to check the mail without the dogs on a Saturday afternoon is an experience for me.

Two pugs spotted! Able to talk to the owner without embarrassment or interference from B and S. Then quickly embarrassing myself by petting and snurfling upon pugs: "Ohhhh jojo-goo! Doe dweet, doe dweet. Juh-juh! Juh doe dweet. Dwee dweetist dweets. Oh jesss! Jessss! Izztrue. Ooooohh, my lil' snoofberries. Hello mah snuggly snoos! Youz wonnerful! Won-e-ful! Dah cutest!"

AHEM.

But most of you guys/gals/gays are going out all the time, meeting folks, getting arrested for speeding, indecency with poultry, or speeding with indecent poultry. (BOK!)

Brushing your teeth with your left hand, taking a shortcut, or trying to use chopsticks with your tongue probably doesn't DO it for you in the memory department.

So what DOES? How do you keep it new and fresh?

Keep in mind:

1) Crack is whack. And so is eHarmony.

2) The donkey doesn't like that. Seriously, stop. And please wash your hands.

3) Hitler's three grand-nephews are living somewhere in America under assumed identities. Two are gardeners, and one is a THERAPIST. (Or as Darrell Hammond as Sean Connery on SNL's Jeopardy! would say: THE RAPIST).

4) Don't worry. I'm sure you haven't dated Hitler's grand-nephew.

5) OR DID YOU?

Damn, I love being a homebody! Zero chance of dating Nazi spawn.

Bring forth the cheese in a can.