Newest

Older

Profile

Notes

Dazzle Me

Contact

Buddies

Favorite Sites

Ad Report Card
Ah Yes, Medical School
Cute Overload
Crime Library
Crime Rant
DanjerusKurves
Diaryland
Dipsy Doodle
DJRainDog
Doghigh
Dooce
Doodle Zenovka
Dream Moods
Finslippy
Four Four
Fumbling With Needles
Going Loopy
Indexed
Knitting Spaz
James Lileks
Post Secret
Sarkasmo
Second Life
Southern Gal Knits
Suburban Bliss
Terra-Cottage
The Exceller Fund
Things My Boyfriend Says
TMZ
We Three Bitches
Wendy Knits
Yeahimadork

2006-10-28 - 7:08 p.m.

When You Can't Find Love at Olive Garden, Adopt a Toddler

Thursday night: Went to bed at 8 pm.

Friday night: Went to bed at 7 pm.

Saturday morning: Woke up at 9:30 am. Told the dogs "Mmmmrrrph. We'll go out in a little while, 'k? Give me another min-min."

10:30 am: Took the dogs out.

11 am: Unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. My work here is done! Went back to bed.

11 am - 3:30 pm: Strange dreams involving 1) asking Fred Savage if his butt hurt after his first homosexual encounter, 2) ruing the day my brother ever married into an Italian family of sterotypical mobster-types, who HA HA! actually weren't in the Mafia, until we found out they were, 3) fleeing my apartment before Big Paulie could cut my throat and stuff me in his trunk, 4) hiding out and praying David Spade would contact me already, 5) getting stabbed 15 times in the stomach, bleeding what resembled cherry pie filling, and being overjoyed when an ambulance showed up, only to have the driver hand me a Philly steak sandwich and run back to the van.

"Hey, I'm dying here! Take me to the hospital!"

"Sorry, lady! We're only allowed to use the ambulance for emergencies!"

Overall, a pretty wild afternoon.

I think I figured out why I've been so tired lately.

PMS. Or that new(ish) hardcore version of PMS: PMDD. One of the symptoms is HYPERSOMNIA. Uh huh. Oh yeah.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it, menfolk.

At any rate, I'll still consider it MVMVOEAEPITEFNA: My vile monthly visitor of EVIL and EXPENSIVE purchases in the EMBARRASSING "feminine needs" aisle.

Speaking of feminine needs, I ran across a link to a website that posts lost and found grocery store lists. On one hand, who cares? On the other, how fascinating! I've probably found 10 or more discarded or lost grocery lists in my life, but I usually feel weird about reading them, like I'm invading someone's privacy. And the few times I've lost a list, I feel oddly violated. That's why I use abbreviations. Not that "t.pons" is much of an abbreviation.

Anyhoo, while most of the lists posted are pretty ordinary & boring (but still interesting in that "What are other people going to the store to get?" way) some seem so familiar to me. Either they're sorta organized like mine, or they buy the same type of stuff (you can tell when people are in a certain comfort food mood), or scritchy-scribbled in a rush without forgetting the important stuff, like chips/dip, and chocolate.

One, written on the back on an envelope, simply exclaimed "FOOD!"

I've often written that down when I'm not really in the mood for anything in particular, and everything so far on the list is paper and cleaning goods.

On those days, usually I wind up buying a pack of hot dogs and buns. Because there's nothing worse than dragging your ass to grocery store after work and after putting everything away, discovering you have nothing to eat.

Without further ado, the BEST list, is this one.

'Bout midway down. Try to make out the phrase.

Yes, my darlings. Your eyes are not deceiving you. It says "Coochie Wash."

Oh my....lord. Nooooooooooo.

Yes.

HAAAAAAA!!

I believe I found that link via the archives on the Suburban Bliss website.

She's very funny. As is Dooce. And Finslippy. And MetroDad. Etc etc.

There's a whole world of mommy (and daddy) bloggers, and many are very popular. And all the popular ones link to each other. The only D-lander that I've ever seen linked/read by them is Mimi Smartypants (also a very funny, and quite popular amongst us wading about in the little pool).

But I have to wonder: Do they only associate with their kind? And why do many of their websites (with their own URLs) look exactly alike? The same font (black or dark grey), with "skipping lines" to separate the columns of their content from their ads and long list of favorites? How do they find time to create graphics and figure out RSS feeds and convert their site to Movable Type?

With Dooce (Heather), it's her husband Jon who does all the back-end. She does the graphics, and has a background as a website designer, so she's got the chops. But where does she find the TIME?

What about the other folks who are parents with popular sites? How can they not only create kick-ass websites, manage to finish an entry on a near-daily basis, entertain family members, post photos and movie files, get sponsors, jet off to a conference for bloggers, sell their house and t-shirts/calendars, go to bed by 9 pm and still be so goddamn funny? And when they get interviewed by the press, and reminded of the million hits they get a MONTH, they say something like "Well, that's nice, but I'm happy if my daughter eats her applesauce and not the dog's poop."

You know, they say the more you have on your plate, the more you manage to do. (eat?)

So I'm going to adopt four, no...SIX toddlers AND a monkey, then finally settle down, watch Dora the Explorer with my children, throw applesauce (back) across the room, wax my linoleum floor with Crisco (toddlers never saw it coming!), carve Elmos out of red sponges, walk the dogs with a house of cards balanced on my head while pushing a 6 seat stroller, have a heated discussion with my lawyer about the toddler from Malawi, THEN redesign my website. All before Ellen comes on at 4 pm. They love it when Ellen dances! Especially that David. (I'm in a bit of a bitch slap with someone named Madonna).

Yep, I'll get all that taken care of soon. First I need to log on to Match.com. They have a 6 month guarantee to find love! (That's the way to do it, alright). Or I'll get another six months of (fucking) losers for FREE!

I'm gonna be on Match.com FOREVER! For FREE!

Plus I'll get a whole lotta chicken strip dinners at Applebee's, and all-I-can-eat salads and breadsticks at Olive Garden.

And that, my friends, is better than a microwaved hotdog ANY DAY.

(How odd: The Match.com registration form is ten pages longer than the one I filled out for the Slovakian boy!)