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2006-10-30 - 6:01 p.m.

Whippin' Up the Sassy

Does anyone else find it strange that Satan was referred to as "Captain Howdy" by Regan before she was possessed by him in The Exorcist?

Of course she didn't KNOW it was Satan at the time. It was just an invisible friend who made growling noises in the attic and liked to screw around with the Ouija board (*snick, giggle*).

Next thing ya know, he's stabbing his host body in the crotch with a crucifix.

Sneaky devil.

Anyhoo, I keep thinking Halloween's already over and then I look at the calendar and say "Ohhh."

I'm not a big Halloween fan, per se, but I enjoy the spookiness factor.

I'm still trying to teach TiVo that I enjoy horror movies. I keep pushing the thumbs up button on every horror movie that comes on, no matter how stupid and cheesy. Child's Play: Yes! THUMBS UP! Friday the 13th Part XIV: Oh Hell Yes! TWO THUMBS UP! Children of the Frozen Peas: Fuck Yeah! (featuring He Who Walks Behind the Ice Cube Trays)

Three Thumbs Up! LEARN, DAMMIT!

One of my most favorite new shows (that I have to watch at least twice before deleting) is 30 Rock. If you haven't watched this show yet, YOU MUST.

Alec Baldwin ("Jack Donaghy") is a riot, in particular. In the third episode, Jack finds himself playing poker against Kenneth, the sweet, simple-minded NBC page (Kenneth was filling in for Pete, who was in the bathroom "layin' in his own sick" after losing his weddding ring). Jack quickly discovers he's unable to "read" Kenneth, and after losing the game, becomes convinced Kenneth is a major threat.

Jack bones up by reading Kenneth's personnel file, and finds out, for one, that his middle name is "Ellen." Jack then sets up a swanky after-hours poker party to square off with his perceived nemesis. When he swishes his drink, laughs knowingly, and invokes a parody of Hannibal Lecter meeting Clarice Starling ("I can smell fried bologna all over you"), I thought I was going to bust my gut. It was so goddamned funny that I think I'm gonna have to noodle around and figure out how to record it to tape (don't have a DVD burner).

Or ya know, just buy the whole goddamned season when it comes out on DVD.

Tina Fey has worked some seriously funny magic in creating and writing this show, but her character (Liz Lemons) winds up playing the straight (wo)man to everyone else's hilarious quirks. Much like her role on SNL as head writer. Perhaps that's why she threw in the bit about Liz getting set up on a blind date (by Jack) with a lesbian. Heh.

Tina Fey: If you're searching the ninnernet for "real people" reviews one night and you happen upon this site -- YOU ARE SUPERB! Even though Alec's performance looms large, hey, YOU'RE the one who gave him his first great gig in FOREVER. Everyone knows he was one of the best SNL hosts, but now he has something permanent-ish he can gnaw on, instead of Kim Basinger's ass in custody court, or a plate of heavily- sauced spare ribs. You're cool beans in my book. We go together "like chicken...and a chicken container" (I loved that line from episode 2). Call me! (1-555-BTR-WCHX)

You know, that reminds me: Have you ever wondered that if you happened to misdial a number (with a Los Angeles or NYC area code in particular), you might wind up dialing someone famous? I mean, there are only so many digits. It's not as if the famous can create a listing with a non-digit number thrown in, like 555-429æ.

Just think: Famous people are only a combo of numbers away from the Papa John's you call every Friday night.

Sure, they have assistants and caller ID, but do you think Tom Cruise is expecting a wrong number on his CELL PHONE when he's waiting (at Papa John's) for his agent to call to tell him his career MIGHT be saved by finally marrying that dull-eyed baby holder? "I don't recognize this number. Could be a drug addict in need. Cruiser for Losers to the rescue!"

And it still amazes me that a whole exchange (555) was set aside for fake numbers in Hollywood movies. I don't know about you, but everytime I get caught up (swept away, if you will) when watching a movie, and I see the exchange "555" on a van or sign, I suddenly get deflated and feel all squibbly and unpleasant. "ohhhhh, damn. You had to remind me that Sandra and Keanu aren't really in love, didn't you? I bought the whole love transcending two years of time/space deal with the magic mailbox at that godawful lake house, but 555? Awww, christ."

I actually don't know if the exchange 555 was used in that movie (I'm sure it was), and as much as I LIKED "The Lake House," this past weekend, I didn't like it as much as I thought I would. Sandra Bullock's character was so moopy, and subdued. No personality whatsoever. Keanu was brilliantly animated in contrast (I know!). And I was thinking the lake house would be all cozy and cabin or cottage-ish. But no. It was all metal and windows. Ugly as sin. The complete opposite of romantic. The house plays into the story and you kinda get to like it (or deal with it), but still EWWWW. No. And the guy who played Keanu's brother bugged me. I kept thinking it was Edward Furlong (back on track with life), but it was some other guy and he creeped me out with his Radiohead singer face (kinda). And as for Christopher Plummer ambling around as Keanu's dad, fighting the age and being self-centered -- stop screwing with my Sound of Music memories! Second, got plenty of that on my plate already.

But despite the crap, I liked the movie. It was..nice. Wouldn't buy it though.

But back to 555. Pretty soon we're going to need those numbers.

What will Hollywood do then?

Let's get Mel Gibson on it. And have the Cruiser stage an intervention.

(Oh! I would love to see Mel smack the SHIT outta Tom. Wouldn't you? Ok -- I'm gonna dial these few other number combos and I think we MIGHT have ourselves a fight! Call Star magazine, Page Six, and TMZ!)