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2006-11-21 - 8:51 p.m.

Just What My Teeth Need

Mom sent me cookies! I was expecting them via regular post around Wednesday.

Two problems:

1) The guy at the shipping place around the corner from mom's house doesn't speakah Engleeesh good. And mom doesn't hear well. So mom walked out not *exactly* knowing how the package was going to be mailed. UPS? USPS? FedEx? ("I don't know...but he gave me a tracking number.")

Turns out the box was sent via FedEx, which I realized last night when I found a tag on my door ("Sorry we missed you!") So am I.

2) Excitement gave way to fussiness when I realized it required a signature, and had been whisked back to the facility, available for pick-up after 6 pm. Otherwise, they'd attempt to deliver again today. (Fabulous! Come by again while I'm 20 miles away at work! And thanks for waking up the dogs!)

Why didn't they get a signature from the apt. office peeps? I mean, what the hell, right?

So this morning, I decided to attempt to get around their signature bullshit by writing a note on the door tag ("If possible, please leave at apt. office and have them sign for this.")

Tonight I arrived home to find another door tag with a note that said "Sorry, I can't drop off without a signature from you in person."

Goddammit! My cookies were being held hostage (ohh, sounds sassy) until I drove my ass over there and signed them into my care. No substitute peep would do.

And to think, I had half a mind to feel bad for them that their company name is now associated with Kevin Federline. Cannot be good for their corporate image (although it would be hilarious if they ran with the joke and made him their spokesperson! ["I don't trust anyone else with my legal documents." *wink*] On the other hand, no.)

Luckily, knowing they might be Nazi sticklers, I'd printed out directions to the facility just in case, but the thought of going back out in traffic, to a place I'd never been to, when it was almost dark, was none too pleasing.

I tried to think of it as an adventure whilst listening to happy holiday music on the radio. I bebopped my head to Feliz Navidad (one of my faves), but quickly grew irritable when it took 10 minutes to go 1 mile. C'mon. C'MON!

Observation as I passed the grocery store with an endless sea of cars: It's not like you didn't KNOW Thanksgiving was coming up, people. They didn't move it two weeks earlier this year or anything.

Of course, I'll be the dumbass who'll have a craving for refried beans or some shit tomorrow night and although everything in my being is screaming "DO NOT GO TO THE STORE," I will decide I simply CANNOT LIVE without whatever it is, and I'll get stuck standing in line behind the clueless turkey-purchasing fuckers.

ANYHOO, I finally got on the main road, tooled on down to the exit to the FedEx place, but there was road work and cars backed up and it took me another ten minutes to move 500 feet.

Then of course, I drove past the entrance (it was NOT well marked) and wound up going the back way, past all the huge delivery trucks, praying that I could loop around to the front because if not, FUCK.

I just want my goddamn cookies.

Fortunately, I was able to loopy around. I parked, and within 3 minutes had my BELOVED PARCEL.

And damn if I didn't tell the two clerks behind the desk "These are cookies! From my mom!" They both broke into smiles, and I'm sure, internal insane jealousy.

I looked down at the box once I got inside my car, and saw the FedEx airbill (mom would've been given the top copy), with the "Direct Signature" box checked, which means they won't release it to ANYONE unless you're the addressed recepient, or Der Fuhrer himself.

Not only was my attempt at writing a note on the door tag laughingly futile, the shipping guy's yellow note taped next to the airbill telling the driver to "please drop off box at apartment office if no one is home" was ridiculously unnecessary since ALL OF THIS could've been avoided if he'd just checked the NO SIGNATURE REQUIRED box.

Whatever. I had my cookies (dammit) and that's all the mattered.

Dashed home in less than ten minutes (I took a faster route, and it was nearly 7 pm by then), whipped up some dinner in the microwave, and was too stuffed for cookies.

But of course.

I did manage to eat a few (all arrived in good condition!), and then pushed the box back on the kitchen counter, out of the way of curious doggie paddies.

That'll do. For the moment. But I'd better move the box completely out of reach, less I have a cookie fiasco on my hands tomorrow. And two very sick dogs on Thanksgiving Eve.

My first thought was to put the box on top of the fridge.

Ummmm, no. That's where the box of Noodle's ashes are. Something about putting holiday cookies next to my cat's remains seemed wrong.

Of course, having my cat's ashes on top of the fridge doesn't seem right either. But it's such a safe place, and my cat loved food. I know I need to buy a vase, but where will I put it that it will be in sight and won't get knocked over?

The top of the fridge.

I rest my case. Ahem

Sooooo, what are you guys doing for the Thanksgiving holiday?

I'm gonna try not to eat any canned cheese this year. Which shouldn't be hard, considering I have none in the pantry.

Ooooohhhhh.

You know what? I should probably pick some up at the store tomorrow night.