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2007-01-05 - 9:52 p.m.

The Trojan Whore

Have you ever seen someone at a store, and there's something so odd about them, you find yourself strangely attracted?

Today, for 'sample, I was at K-Mart buying some stuff I needed and stuff I really didn't need (the undergarment purchases counteracted the two CDs and two DVDs). As I gathered up my bags to leave, I glanced at the receipt and noticed that the bras hadn't been discounted as advertised (buy one, get the second for half off). I mentioned it to the cashier and she said I should go up to customer service and they'd take care of it. Fine.

While the customer service rep was busy working away on my refund, this guy came up to the desk with a plastic gas container and said to the other clerk, in the weirdest voice I'd ever heard: "I need to return this gas can." He sounded like he was missing some vocal chords, or that he was completely speaking through his nose. Plus, he sounded a little retarded to boot. I glanced over at him, and he was about 4'9", with short light brown hair. He kept harping on about returning the gas can in that bizarre voice. But he was kinda cute. When the rep told him the item didn't have a UPC code, he seemed confused and walked off, still talking about that damn gas can. Oooohh. You poor little thing. He was like a wounded bird I wanted to scoop up and coddle. But once I received my refund ($18.02!) I forgot all about him.

Until I saw him at the Kroger ten minutes later. Ohhhh, I knew I recognized the shirt he was wearing. He was a Kroger employee. He started to walk past me and I glanced over and smiled as if he were friends. "Oh, it's you" I said. He looked at me kinda clueless, kept walking, but just as he passed my cart, asked "What's for lunch?" Right before I blurted out "oh, croissants with ham and cheese," I realized he wasn't talking to me at all. He breezed by to catch up with a bunch of guys further up the aisle.

Oh. Very well. I can't even attract a short semi-retarded vocally-challenged Kroger employee. Even though all I wanted to do was put him in a shoebox lined with shredded tissues (after coddling him and feeding him with an eyedropper).

That, and the dream of being his first.

"Honey, that was called making love. No, it's ok, you don't need to repeat the words. Shhhh, darling. I'll get the eyedropper so you can have a midnight snack, then I'll carry you to your shoe box. Sweetie, where are you going? Sweetie?"

"I need to return the gas can. Do you have the Uuuuu-Peeeee-Ceeee code? What's for lunch?"

Let's just say that wouldn't be the worst night I've ever had with a man.

ANYHOO, after that encounter, I wandered around the store, buying whatever comfort food struck my fancy. I passed an old woman at a table who asked if I wanted to try a piece of "Uncrustables." They looked like bloody spitwads.

"Oh, no thank you," I said, as I reached into the freezer next to her to grab a couple pints of Butter Pecan. "I'd much rather have some ice cream."

I pushed my cart past her as she called out "But that's more fattening!"

"Yep, I know!" I called back.

I had half a mind to turn around and say "Look, Granny. Save the guilt trip for your fat ass daughter, who overeats because you're a BITCH and she wishes you were DEAD. I have enough shit to worry about. I just got blown off by a retarded Kroger employee and I am in NO MOOD to thrown down about caloric intake. And another thing, if you keep fingering those little chunks of uncrusted jelly-filled boils, NO ONE is going to want a sample. You might as well go home and break your fucking hip already. Capice?"

The funny thing is, I was actually in a pretty good mood. The market wasn't crowded, so I was sing-songing while I picked out my goodies. "La la la, must buy Cheeto Puffs!"

I also bought 5 cups of raspberry yogurt. Lite yogurt. And that was before Granny got up in my shit.

After Kroger, I picked up the dogs' medications, cruised home and watched "Troy" (one of the two DVDs I bought on the cheap). Took forever to watch it, because I kept turning it on and off -- and it's long -- but it was good. Brad Pitt's acting was a little...not believable, with that accent, but if you're horny, I advise you not to watch the scene where he takes the saucy Trojan priestess, because you will bite your lip and want to scratch the walls in jealousy. One minute she's got a knife to his neck, the next he's on top of her, moving his hand along her thigh, pushing her gown up...The minute he kisses her, the knife falls from her hand. DAMN! If I could find a guy half that good-looking with that kind of passion and confidence, I would die a happy woman. For once, I'd like a REAL MAN who does manly things by day, but knows how to be tender and please his woman at night, ya know? *Sigh*

Orlando Bloom as Paris was a bit unsettling. He's got the balls to fuck the King of Sparta's wife and steal her away to Troy, but has trouble accepting the consequences of his actions. One minute he gets all dramatic in front of everyone about fighting the King one on one, and the next he's trying to convince Helen to run away with him where they'll never be found. He's a cowardly puss. And shitloads of people die because he fell in love with this woman, who you can tell is rethinking her relationship with this guy. He calls himself a coward and she doesn't disagree right away. Then she gives him some rah-rah "the fact that you challenged him is brave enough" speech, but you know she's probably wanting to fuck his (married) brother Hector by that time. Or one of the dead guys burning on the pyre, because at least they had REAL COURAGE, and didn't crawl over and hug their brother's leg when they got a boo boo after a duel. PUSS! PUSS!

At any rate, playing Paris didn't do a whole lot for Orlando's career. I would not fault him for being Legolas for the rest of his life. Hell, I'll write a fourth book in the LOTR series (now, a quadrology!) called "Return of the Fuckable Pointy Ears" and us ladies shall all rejoice. Yes, yes. Get me my typewriter and cheesy puffs! Let's put the quiver back in the bow, shall we?

You there! Call up Orlando's agent!

And you! Brew the coffee that tastes of vanilla and almonds!

Granny! Bake us some homemade orange rolls with a side of shut trap!

Type, type, type....{carriage return}

Chapter 1: The Forest of Virgins*

*Wink wink