Newest

Older

Profile

Notes

Dazzle Me

Contact

Buddies

Favorite Sites

Ad Report Card
Ah Yes, Medical School
Cute Overload
Crime Library
Crime Rant
DanjerusKurves
Diaryland
Dipsy Doodle
DJRainDog
Doghigh
Dooce
Doodle Zenovka
Dream Moods
Finslippy
Four Four
Fumbling With Needles
Going Loopy
Indexed
Knitting Spaz
James Lileks
Post Secret
Sarkasmo
Second Life
Southern Gal Knits
Suburban Bliss
Terra-Cottage
The Exceller Fund
Things My Boyfriend Says
TMZ
We Three Bitches
Wendy Knits
Yeahimadork

2007-01-07 - 8:54 p.m.

Nothing Like a Good P

Thanks to Janet, I have been tasked with an assignment. I asked for it, so it's cool.

Here are things I like that start with the letter P

1) Pork chops. Dem's yummy. But I do hate the thought of eating...

2) Piglets. DOE DWEET. Sorry I ate your daddy with gravy and...

3) Potatoes. Fried, baked, mashed. Bring it!

4) Pennies. Love to collect those little fuckers. When I see a penny, I pick it up. Even if it's face down. It's MONEY. When I get a jar full of change, I'll dump it on the carpet and sort everything into those paper sleeves. But I always pick out the old pennies. MINE. MINE!

5) Paws (a.k.a. Paddies). Kitten and cat paddies in particular. So soft and perfect. I once knew a stray cat who had six toes on each paddie. Very Hemingway-ish. I named him Newb. Now then, before my dogs rip my ears off, canine paddies can be quite adorable as well. Albeit rough and industrious. Blue collar paddies, if you will.

6) Paper towels. Lord almighty, do I go through those. I don't trust any food item being placed directly on the kitchen counter, even if I've just cleaned it with Fantastik and paper towels. There is always a stray hair or fuzz or piece of ick. And with two big dogs around, no surface is safe until it has been lined with paper towels. And if too much activity goes on over the paper towels in span of time longer than 5 minutes (cheese slicing and bread preparation for sandwiches, condiments being pulled forth from the fridge, bowls and utensils being used), I have to cover the paper towels with a fresh layer of paper towels. Because I swear that there will ALWAYS be a hair or god-knows-what-else on anything foreign brought to the land of white perfection. And if I'm not careful, a stray fuzz from the mustard bottle WILL get on the plate under the sandwich, and oh lord, if I see such an abomination - though I avoid looking at my plate as much as possible - I will immediately scream "GODDDDDAMMMMMMIT!" and toss the food to the devil woofers. Obsessive? Me?

7) Potpourri. A bunch of good smelling decorative shit. (Ever smoked it? DAMN!) Of course, I jest. Ahem. But I tell ya something, you gotta change that stuff out every few...years. Otherwise it gets dusty and full of dog hair. And it doesn't smell so good.

8) Play-Doh. Invented because idle hands are the devil's workshop. Actually that's why people masturbate, but if you're babysitting, that's NOT A GOOD IDEA. So get some doh and make Mr. Bill. And smash him. HA! Then roll out some pancakes. Ohhh...ooooh! Get out the cookie cutters! Stars and hearts and pentagrams! Coooooool!

9) Pancakes. Although maple syrup bottles and IHOP tables tend to attract a GREAT DEAL OF HAIR and FUZZ. Best made in a semi-dark kitchen, half drunk, roundabouts 2 am.

10) Pooh Bear. So round and honey bound! Plus, he's stuffed with fluff! (That should be kept far away from the kitchen table). I received my first Pooh Bear in an Easter basket when I was 6 or 7. I loved that little bastard. Good times, good times.

11) Plastic. Bonk, bonk, bonk! Nice.

12) Photography. Still don't understand how it works, and I can't take a picture worth a damn, but really, how cool is it that that Kodak guy (or whoever actually invented it) found a way to capture real images onto film? Think about it. A little more. How is it even possible to capture a moment in time? I KNOW!

13) Paranormal/Psychics: If people can capture reality on film, surely some folks can see into the future or the past, or move objects with their minds. Ghosts and hauntings? Why not? Most of the claims are probably scams, but I've heard too many stories (on TV mainly, possible because of photography -- I know!), backed up by credible witnesses to discount this stuff. I believe that things occur on levels we aren't "evolved" enough to accept yet, but gradually, if you've noticed, the paranormal is becoming more credible. One hundred years from now, they'll STILL be making Play-Doh, and 80% of the population will have psychic powers. Wanna bet? Hmmm...I'm having a vision that I'm gonna win. Hand over the $20. I mean, $1,000. 100 years of inflation, dumbass.

14) Plants. Oh, so green and lovely. I have five. Four are still mostly alive.
I either spoil them or ignore them. I'm such a moody bitch.

15) Pillsbury Doughboy. I love him so. Did I tell you that my mom used to work at the Pillsbury plant in Minnesota when she was pregnant with me? She worked in the lab and helped design Space Food Sticks for the astronauts. And the employees were allowed to grab boxes of numbies to take home whenever they wanted. Thus, I was born to love orange rolls.

16) Pssssst! and P.S. Meet me in my kitchen in 10 minutes for heaven on earth. I have seven layers of paper towels on the counter. And I've washed the spatula 14 times. But just in case, here's a paper plate. Don't look at the rolls. Just eat them. When we're done, let's play Parcheesi, ok?