Newest

Older

Profile

Notes

Dazzle Me

Contact

Buddies

Favorite Sites

Ad Report Card
Ah Yes, Medical School
Cute Overload
Crime Library
Crime Rant
DanjerusKurves
Diaryland
Dipsy Doodle
DJRainDog
Doghigh
Dooce
Doodle Zenovka
Dream Moods
Finslippy
Four Four
Fumbling With Needles
Going Loopy
Indexed
Knitting Spaz
James Lileks
Post Secret
Sarkasmo
Second Life
Southern Gal Knits
Suburban Bliss
Terra-Cottage
The Exceller Fund
Things My Boyfriend Says
TMZ
We Three Bitches
Wendy Knits
Yeahimadork

2007-01-24 - 7:12 p.m.

The Wheels on the Device of Deception Go 'Round and 'Round

Play this game the next time you're sitting in a waiting room:

While flipping through magazines, listen in on people's cell phone conversations and try to figure out what kind of work they do.

For example, I was waiting around Monday afternoon to get my oil changed and belts replaced, and one guy kept calling what I assumed was his office.

"Hey. Yeah, I'm still here at the shop. So did you talk to Mary Jo and Keely yet? No? Well, Mary Jo thought Keely was taking care of it, and Keely thought Mary Jo was taking care of it, so....uh huh, right. Some sort of miscommunication. Anyway, they were supposed to talk, and then get with you this morning. Yeah, that's the thing. They're the case managers, so they need to get this figured out today."

(Case managers? Hmmmm...Social work?)

"So what's going on there? Uh huh. You gonna be at the 3 o'clock? Hopefully I'll get there in time. Oh, did Keely go pick up the overnight? Dammit. She's so retarded."

(Overnight what? Package? Shipment of drugs? SHIPMENT OF CHILDREN?)

blah blah, end of call.

*beee-boop-boop-boop-Beep*

"Hey Keely. It's me. Yep, still at the shop. Ohhh, it's been (looking at watch) 2 hours and 20 minutes. The brakes went out on me this morning. I know. Oh, hey, I gave you a reference yesterday. Yeah, some guy called."

(Keely's retardness in not picking up the overnight shipment of children for her social work case led to her being given notice! Or she's leaving because she found out her co-workers refer to her as retarded!)

"Did you list me as personal or professional? Nah, I was just wondering. He didn't ask me anything personal. Nope. I told him you were good at your job..."

(This guy's a LIAR! And Keely's afraid that they'll find out she's a retarded SLUT!)

"So is that the job you were wanting? At the Toyota dealership? Which one? Are they offering full-time with benefits? Or is it just part-time?"

(Keely is changing careers! Now instead of abandoning children in crates at the UPS loading dock, she'll abandon customers waiting for fresh coffee, 2007 Camry brochures, and receipts for overpriced "authorized" Toyota parts. You know why? Because she's a FUCKING RETARD who's too busy blowing the sales manager in hopes of getting medical insurance to cover the HOOTCHIE ROT that the guy from her last job gave her. Oh yeah, he gave her a reference...and the CROTCH COOTS to boot).

Then again, perhaps I have overimagined all of this. Having a 15 minute, $21 oil change turn into a 3 hour, $21 oil change PLUS a $104 belt replacement has a tendency to do that do me.

But it wasn't a total waste, because I was able to run an errand at my bank a short walk away. And smoke a few cigs out in the freezing cold on a bench. And freak out as a scuzzy guy walked by twice. I finally dashed into the warm, grease-scented waiting room, surrounded by gumball and vending machines, and people in various states of boredom. I settled in and pulled from my bag a writer's magazine that finally showed up yesterday (I ordered the subscription from the farm manager's daughter for her school fundraiser back in SEPTEMBER). Fuck that from now on.

Eventually, the people all decided to jump on their cell phones. FODDER! FODDER! While I skimmed the bullshit articles about writing poetry, I listened. And suddenly remembered part of a dream I had Sunday night.

Something about a crazy stressful job where I was suddenly handed a bunch of tedious shit (hmmm, sounds familiar) from a manager in a different department. That manager? Gary Busey. Whoa. Where'd that come from? I dunno, but many of my dreams have themes about work in them lately. As a matter of fact, I think I'll held at least 3 positions in industries I've never actually worked in and have thus decided No, No and Fuck No. My brain is doing the career shit while I'm zonked, which is awesome, because I have re-runs to watch on TiVo the other 6 hours of the day.

But then last night, I wound up working at some fabulous company located in a big, fancy skyscraper with a bunch of other fabulous companies (high-tech firms and TV networks and magazine publishers -- Oh my!) I spent a lot of time wandering around, looking for the bathroom, riding the elevators up to the gazillion-and-ninth floor and buzzing around the campus in a cool Disneyworld-esque outdoor tram with no top (lovely in late summer, but supposedly a real bitch in the winter months). I don't recall doing any actual work, or hearing the sound of phones ringing, which is probably why I adored my job immediately. The best part (besides that fucking awesome tram), was being surrounded by people who knew shit. People who were extremely comfortable with cutting edge technology and didn't throw up their hands and flail when Norton started running a virus scan.

Oh, and then, I finally found the bathroom (go me!) and I noticed there was a young woman's decapitated head sitting on the floor. For some reason, I was more curious than freaked out, so I decided to talk to it. Just in case.

"Hey."

(she opened her eyes -- cool!)

"Did you know that you're, uh, decapitated?"

(she pursed her lips together and looked annoyed)

"Yes, I realize that. I'm trying not to think about it."

"Oh, well, um, do you know who did this to you?"

"No," she replied quietly. "I had my back turned. It was very sudden."

"So," I further queried, "where's your body at?"

"I don't know. I was wondering that myself."

At that moment, I began to realize the seriousness of the situation. I ran out of the room and started screaming for help. Someone dialed 911 and I raced back into the room with a couple of people only to find the young woman sitting up on a table, completely intact, and smiling at me.

"You told us she was decapitated!"

"SHE WAS! I SWEAR!"

It was then that I realized it was all an elaborate hoax. I was pissed off and humiliated, to say the least. Furthermore I thought, what a strange work environment this is.

- CUT to SweetPea waking me up at 9 am -
Dammit! I didn't get to ride the tram again.

"OOOOOoooooffff...Momma tie-tie. Go 'way. Go sleepies. Mmmmmmmrrpppfff."

SweetPea's relentless pacing and squeal-woofs forced me to rustle around and roll over, the first sign that "momma's caving in", which caused Buddy to jump up from his stretchy-pawed slumber to join in on the pursuit to get my ass outta bed.

As I stumbled towards the bathroom with a wad of clothes, I looked down the hallway to the balcony door and noticed it had snowed overnight.

"Cool...*yawn*...beans."

After bundling up, the romper-stompers yanked me out the door to prance about in the snow, and soil it as much as caninely possible. Near the end of our walk, I said:

"Pooping in synch is always appreciated." In my head I signed off with "Thanks, The Management."

Once I got the two bunny-sniffers inside, I promptly curled back up in bed, watched TV, and fell back asleep till noon. MMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Nice. Nice. Nice.

I haven't done shit the last two days. They sorta blended into one another. Tonight feels like it belongs with yesterday morning. Or something. But I got a lot done on Monday, so I feel jusssified (lazy-ass justification).

I was planning on heading out to Houston on Saturday, depending on the weather, but I still have a couple big things (and a million little things) to take care of before I go...plus I'm a day or so away from getting my period (which is one reason I've been so tired), and you gals can back me up on this: The last place you want to be when you're on the rag is ON THE ROAD. Especially for hours and hours and hours and hours. And hours.

Since I'm not on any sort of a deadline (and mom knows this weekend wasn't set in stone), I'll probably just wait till next weekend. But if I manage to get my stuff done in time and I'm feeling good, I'll stick with the original plan. We shall see. *YAWN*

Oh, check this out: Last night I was watching a new show called "Ancient Discoveries" on The History Channel. I love shows about ancient neato findings. And you know, it's so very important to understand our past as a way to gain knowledge about our future. In fact, I find history to be a scrapbook with some really freaky shit in it. Heh. *toddler grin*

Anyhoo, this show was about the siege of Troy. While there's still controversy about whether the Trojan War actually happened, blah blah, peep this: According to Homer, the war lasted 10 years (I totally forgot that. Plus, in the movie Troy, it lasted about 2 weeks). Did you know (assuming the Trojan War took place) the Greeks sailed back home once a year to tend to their harvests, the economy etc, thus only fought the Trojans part of the year? How weird is that? Like "Wow, look at the time. It's almost the end of August. We better get back home. See you fuckers next spring!"

Furthermore, the Trojan horse was devised by the Greeks during the last seasonal break before the 10th year of the war.

And Achilles was dead long before the Trojan horse was built.

So basically, Agamemnon and his troops show up to fight for the 10th year in a row (that's one determined bunch), then suddenly disappear and leave a big wooden horse on the beach? WTF? Why didn't the Trojans suspect something amiss? Why would the Greeks come ALL THE WAY BACK OVER, fight a few battles, suddenly give up out of the blue after 10 years, sail home, and leave a gigantic horse behind?

(Supposedly, according to legend, there were a few suspicious Trojans, but no one listened to them).

Yet somehow the Trojans believed that the Greeks built the big wooden horse as an offering to the gods for a safe journey back. Even though they made the trip back 9 other times and never built an offering. Even though they turned around and left practically right after getting there.

Uh huh.

A big wooden HOLLOW horse with WHEELS and a FAT PULL ROPE. If the Greeks built it on the beach and intended to leave it there for the gods, why would it need WHEELS?

Helllll-oooooooo!

Did it not occur to the Trojans that the Greeks might've just mosied on down the coastline and were waiting to attack, over yonder?

Or that something might be INSIDE the big wooden HOLLOW horse than could easily fit, eh, 40 MEN?

Of course not! They thought it was neato. And they liked horsies. So they pulled the horse WITH THE CONVENIENT WHEELS AND ROPE into the gates so they could offer it to THEIR gods. They thought they were pretty darn clever.

Stupid fuckers.

They deserved to get sacked.

(The preceding jumble of myth, history, Hollywood, and documentaries recorded on TiVo were brought to you by Halo Skew-Vision, PMS, and Keystone Light).