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2007-02-07 - 11:39 p.m.

Mom Says We Don't Need a Title

Four hours into our marathon Monopoly game, wherein I was kicking mom's ass, we finally decided to pack it in for the night. But we kept our moolah and property deeds separate, and I noted down how many houses we each owned on which properties (neither one of us has been able to buy a hotel yet).

I own all the utilities AND all the railroads, which she keeps landing on. Plus she's gone to jail more times than Robert Downey Jr., but at least it keeps her out of trouble on the outside, where the rent ain't cheap.

On the upside, she owns Boardwalk...and you know what that means.

She had her (wee amount of) money all organized into little stacks, and mine was all spread out and kept falling on the floor. I had so many hundreds I had to keep cashing them in for 500 dollar bills so there were enough hundreds in the bank for salary when we passed go.

Interesting that the salary on a game produced in depression-era 1935 is $200, yet in 2006 I made $385 a week. Hmmmmm....and fuuuuuuuuuuuck.

I didn't count my money till the end (taking my advice from The Gambler), and I had $9,200 something. Mom said "That's it? I thought you had a lot more than that."

"Mom, the game only comes with a little over $15,000."

"Ohhh!"

We both laughed. We were giggling throughout the game too...how nearly everytime she passed go she'd wind up on one of my railroads, or have to pay the bank for a shitty Chance card. Meanwhile I was rolling doubles like crazy and bypassing most of her properties. And when I'd land on one of mine, I'd say "Ohhhh, I own that."

At one point she looked at me and said "Don't you ever get tired of saying that?"

"HA! Not really. Roll the dice, woman."

We had lots of fun, but I have a feeling it'll be a few days before we whip out the board again and finish our game.

Let's see here...what else have we been up to? Oh WAIT. I have to tell you guys about my drive from Lexington to Houston on Saturday.

I drove straight through -- about 17.5 hours with stops and everything. The longest I'd ever driven before at one time was 12 hours, so this was a feat for me. Plus this time I had two dogs in the backseat, so BOOYA.

Most of it was boring as hell, but the weather was good, and there wasn't much traffic besides the semi-trucks. I drove through Nashville, Memphis, Little Rock, Texarkana, blah blah. The worst part of the trek was following US 59-S from Texarkana to Houston. What an ass pain. There were a million (ok, 5) curly-cue exits and then I landed on a loooooooooong stretch of 59 through every dink town east of Dallas. And since 59 isn't an interstate, I had to slow down through every single one. In some cases, all the way down to 35 miles an hour. And at 2 am, nothing is open -- not even gas stations -- and there are no rest areas. Those small Texas towns LIVE off traffic fines from tired, cranky, bathroom-deprived travelers from out of state. I made sure to keep to the speed limit in every one. I might have breezed a few miles over the limit here and there, but more out of grogginess than anything.

Finally I made it to the scant beginnings of the outskirts of Houston, and I was jonesing bigtime for a bathroom. I pulled off at a station right off the road that was lit up, but the store was closed. GODDAMMIT. I hopped back in the car, grumbling, and set my sites on the next best place. The road had widened to more lanes, and I blew past a few gas stations only realizing after the fact that they were probably open, but I wasn't in the mood to turn back. Keep going, I thought. Closer to the city = more places open all hours.

I spied a truck stop sign up ahead through the tall pine trees and was getting in the mode to look for an exit. THANK GOD THANK GOD THANK GOD. The road was empty, all mine, and I sped up a bit to get to the exit. A minute later, I breezed past a divider wall...

where a cop was lying in wait.

OH SHIT.

He immediately pulled out behind me (I remember he left a cloud of dust as I passed by), but didn't put on his lights right away. The road was bumpy, my back window was foggy and I couldn't tell if he was attempting to pull me over or not. But he WAS following me. I slowed down just in case, but as far as I could tell, he STILL hadn't put his lights on. Is he going to pull me over or NOT? I kept going for another half mile, unsure, and beginning to get a bit freaked out, when suddenly he put on his lights. Probably when he saw my out of state plates. Bastard. I immediately slowed down and pulled over.

Fortunately, I wasn't in a small town any longer and I'd only been going 75 tops in a 65 zone. Normally I become a quivering mass of jelly when I get pulled over, but I was so tired and "you've got to be kidding me," I didn't really care. Plus, I already had a ready-made excuse in the works. I was already confident that I could squirrel my way out of a ticket. Long Drive + Going to Mom's + 2 Dogs + Former Texan + Everything Up to Par = No Ticket.

The cop put on his spotlight, which bounced off my left side mirror, directly into my peepers. I stayed buckled in, reached for my wallet, rolled down the window, turned off my car, and waited. The dogs were craning their necks over my shoulder. The cop finally sauntered up to my car and said "Good morning. Do you know why I pulled you over?"

I was still wrapping my mind around the concept of "Good morning." Oh, right. It's like 3 am or something.

"Um...yeah.."

Before I could say anything else he said, "I clocked you at 75 in a 65..."

"Oh, officer, I'm sorry. I've been driving all day from Kentucky to visit my mom. I'm only about 60 miles away! I'm from Texas so I know not to speed here. Don't mess with Texas! (He was smiling at the dogs while I was babbling). I've been keeping the limit all the way here, through every town, I swear! But I was getting so close and I haven't been able to find a bathroom in 100 miles..."

He pulled his head back in disbelief: "You haven't been able to find a bathroom in 100 miles?"

"Well, everytime I pull over someplace it's closed for the night..."

"You just passed a gas station a few miles back," he replied.

"I DID?" (sorta a lie, sorta the truth...but him pulling me over FUCKED with my exiting for the truck stop plan, but I really was not in the mood to get into the logistics of my bathroom master plan)

"Yeah, right back there. Can I see your license and insurance?"

THANK FUCK I GOT MY KENTUCKY PLATES BEFORE I LEFT. I knew something like this might happen. (Go me!)

"Sure.." (I managed to find everything after a bit of squibbling around)

He handed me my insurance card, took my license and said he'd be right back.

"Am I getting a ticket?" I inquired in the sweeetest voice I could come up with at 3 am.

"Nahhhh, I just need to document the stop."

Five minutes later (felt like 10) he was back with my license. I thanked him profusely for not giving me a ticket, and babbled that I'd mind my speed, but he was more concerned with other matters.

"Go up two more exits. Take a left and there's a Shell station. They have an outside bathroom."

"Oh...ok! Thanks!"

"Have a good morning."

"I will!"

I resituated myself in the car, and was left wondering if I should let him pull out first, or if I should take off. I don't know what the protocol for that kinda shit is. I had to PEE, so fuck it. I pulled out slowly and sauntered down the road.

I didn't want to go to the outside bathroom Shell station. Surely there must be a Whataburger or Jack in the Box up ahead.

On the other hand, what if he's watching to see where go?

Per his directions, I went to the Shell station two exits down, to find it crawling with cops. His buds. This is THEIR night place, apparently. He probably already radioed in my upcoming appearance. The doors were locked, but the clerk was inside, talking to her fuzz buddies. I motioned for a key and she slid it out in the window tray.

I pissed like a racehorse, jumped back in the car and called my mom (who was watiting up for me). I was back on the road in no time and I minded the limit all the way to mom's.

And it was only 40 miles there. But it went fast.

I got the dogs in, lugged in my stuff, and mom and I sat and talked for an hour.

I slept in, spent time with mom and watched Superbowl commercials. We listened to music and went to bed early.

And on Monday morning, all my previous talk about getting her a TV with a DVD player kicked in, and she decided we needed to go to Best Buy.

Hee!

Mom's high tech with her new 20" flat screen with DVD and VHS, I avoided a traffic ticket, and someone's gonna get creamed in Monopoly.

Speaking of which, mom's defrosted a New York style cheesecake.

I must go. You don't need lights and sirens to pull over for a cheesecake...