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2007-03-05 - 10:06 a.m.

Knit Wits on a Spree

You folks know I don't get out as much as I should. And "shopping" usually refers to my grocery store visits, or an odd jaunt to Target.

But since I've been in Houston, and mom lives a half mile from every big store you could think of, I've been making the rounds. And yesterday, we really outdid ourselves.

First off, on Saturday, we stayed up till after 4 am knitting. And went through 2 full pots of coffee. My first attempt at a (light mossy green) scarf was abandoned earlier in the day because it was too wide for the needles I'd selected. I started over with a medium shade variegated pastel called "water lily." Mom had started making ribbing on her scarf (i.e. knit 2 stitches, purl 2), and showed me how. WHEE. Very neato. I took a break and went online, while she took a short nap. The problems began around 7 pm when I tried to knit on my own.

Tip #1: If you are a beginning knitter, do not attempt to knit unsupervised.

Without a booboo helper, things get mighty messed up mighty quickly.

Tip #2: Do NOT continue to knit and ignore your mistakes.

After fucking up so grandly and creating stitches previously unknown to mankind, I unraveled the entire mess. Only a few inches long, so no big deal.

I was looking forward to starting all over (sort of). I was able to try a slipknot again (the first stitch, basically) and "casting on," which is really easy and fun when you get the hang of it. Reminds me a bit of those string games from when I was young (cat's cradle, tea cup, etc).

Mom woke up while I was about to start over and she helped me get another scarf going. Third time's the charm. I hoped. This time, I decided to forget about the ribbing effect (since you have to keep switching the yarn back for the knit, and forwards for the purl), and go for a simpler classic style. Knit one row, purl one row. And I made it half as wide (by casting on less yarn), so I could see my results faster.

I am pleased to tell you I've completed nearly 11 inches of my scarf so far! Only 50 or 60 to go. Fuuuuuck.

Anyhoo, we both got some rest Sunday morning (I took a long hot shower before I slept since my muscles were sore from hunching up for so long), but were so excited to continue that we were both up by 9. We got to talking about buying more yarn...and more books...and other stuff (my hairdryer blew out the night before).

We flipped through the Sunday paper clipping coupons and drew up a list of items and places to go. By 12:30 we hit the road and ventured first to Kirkland's Home (decor stuff). We bought a couple lamps on sale. Then we headed over to Bed, Bath & Beyotch (I mean, Beyond). Mom bought another cafe curtain panel and I found a hairdryer with a cord retractor ($12 with my 20% coupon), a new paper towel holder WITHOUT BALLS (mine had lost two of the metal balls on the bottom and is annoyingly unbalanced), and a spice rack step-stair (since my cabinet is too narrow to hold a rotating majiggerbobber). Oh so fun, oh so exciting.

Then we bebopped over to Pier 1. As we walked in, I wondered aloud which phase they were in. Would it be wildly exotic African "moombassa" shit (as I call it), or their decidely fugly modern-retro-geometric-clusterfuck?

Both, as it turns out. And of course, the inevitable back corner filled with Chinese inspired crap, complete with a Chinese browsing customer.

And come to think of it, I've never seen an African-American in a Pier 1 store, that I recall. I have a suspicion they'd avoid that moombassa decor like it's covered in the Ebola virus. ("Honey, check out what those stupid crackers are buying. Just because they watched 'Roots' on DVD. They must think we all hang dark wooden tribal masks in our living rooms. Simply hideous. Let's go to Pottery Barn before I hurl.")

In order to be politically correct, no offense was intended by the previous paragraph, so chill the fuck out, honkies.

Anyhoosens, we wound up finding a small shelf with Christmas merchandise on sale. 90% off. I bought 3 boxes of UNICEF cards for a buck each, a "Peace & Harmony" CD for $1.20, and a spool with 4 plastic ribbons for 35 cents. Yes. 35 CENTS. Mom also picked up a box of cards and the remaining CD. It's pretty good, by the way. Songs from various artists of various genres in various decades. It's a veritable variety!

We jaunted onwards to Michael's, where I spent a friggin' BUNDLE. More yarn (some bright variegated kind for fun, with all sorts of colors mainly seen on toddlers, or the mentally challenged), a dark muted variegated green and blue, a deep blue, a pinky-red, and some fat hunter green wool. That required I buy a pair of bigger needles. I also picked up some circular needles (for knitting curved shapes, e.g. hats, collars, etc. which I have no idea if I'll ever attempt, but just in case), and a small pattern book called Dog Gone Cute. Which contains, you guessed it, dog sweaters.

People, I know what you're thinking.

But dog sweaters might as well be my first clothing experiment. Buddy and SweetPea can't get embarrassed, and if I fuck it up, I'll tell people they chewed on it. Yet somehow, I believe they'll be embarrassed anyway.

"Mother," their eyes will implore, "you have GOT to be kidding us. We cannot go outside and see our best friends Maddie and Wally while wearing these ridiculous outfits. Did you actually have to stitch 'Spoilt Rotten' on the back? Jesus. You couldn't leave that one detail out? It's bad enough already. And why the hell did you sew a pocket on the back? That wasn't even CALLED FOR in the pattern. Plus, this may have escaped your attention, but DOGS DON'T NEED POCKETS. Look woman. You carry the shit bags around, that's your job. Speaking of which, when are you going back to work again so we can get some time alone? We have a lot of ass-sniffing to catch up on in private."

I can't wait to see their faces when I start knitting outfits for their friends! ("No, momma! NOOOOOOOOOO! Go ahead and subject us to these Dr. Mengele experiments all you want, but do NOT drag our mutt mates into your crazy web of yarn!")

After selecting my new knitting goodies, I found a hardback book called An Introduction to Poker (odd find at a craft store!) in the clearance bin for $1. That's another thing I want to learn, so I snapped it up.

Mom and I started browsing the matted prints and frames. I don't have nearly enough artwork on my walls, so I uh...went a little nuts. But it was all 25% off, and some 11x20 and 16x20 prints were only $6 BEFORE the discount. And I had a 40% off coupon for one of the frames I found that wasn't on sale. Most of the others were on discount. So COOL BEANS. I still wound up spending $166. But considering everything I bought (I'll have to post a photo), not too bad.

THEN we headed over to Half Price Books (again!) to see what we could find. We each had a 15% off coupon (from the back of the calendar they give you if you purchase $30 or more). Mom found us some new (and I do mean new) knitting books at great prices. Not everything Half Price sells is necessarily used. An "ultimate how-to" knitting guide normally $40 was on sale for $9.98, so we each snagged a copy. I picked up a cheap VHS of "Boys Don't Cry," a little book on 10 minute Feng Shui tips, another book about writing aimed towards the busy woman (ha ha!) and a bookmark for 48 cents. It has a bear resembling Pooh and a bug (a CUTE BUG with doodly curly antennae) holding hands, with a verse about friends and sunny days. I'm such a little girl at heart.

And such a nut in the head.

I don't know what my grand total of yesterday's spree was, but considering it took 4 hours, I know it must've been somewhere in the $300+ range. Yikes. But I haven't really gone shopping for fun in such a long time, so I deserve it.

I AM SPESHUL, and I'll have the brightly colored sweater vest to prove it, someday.