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2007-11-04 - 9:25 a.m.

Kryptonite

Does Smash get all the women, or what? Good lord, boy! Save some for the rest of the gents in the United Kingdom.

I guess the old adage that girls love bad boys is true. But I'm fairly sure I could resist his charms and evil ways. In fact, I've never gone for the bad boy type.

Wait, I take that back. In high school, I had a mad crush on a guy who wore a long black leather coat and way too much Obsession for Men. I actually bought a bottle and would spritz it on, to remind me of him.

Anyhoo, nothing ever transpired with Mr. Matrix, except cuddling with him at a party one New Year's Eve. But about a year later, on a college break, I wound up bumping into his older -- and much badder -- brother at a club one night. A few years before, he'd led police on a 50 mile high speed chase. I remember seeing the footage on the news.

And here he was, standing before me. He's a lawbreaker! He was on the news! He's older! He's CUTE! Ohhhhh, baby!

Intense flirting ensued. Then he asked me to go out in the parking lot with him (yeah, I KNOW!)...to see his custom van (OMG! Really. I fucking KNOW).

So what did I do? Went out in the parking lot with him (*slap*)...to see his custom van (*smack*). Of course, what he really wanted to show me was the BACK of his van. And other things.

I can't recall exactly what we wound up doing IN THE BACK OF HIS CUSTOM VAN (it was the 80's, gimme a break), but I do remember it got rather heated to the point of uh oh, so I pulled my famous teenager Halo Askewian "I can't, I'm a virgin" move. He gave me THE LOOK ("surely you can't be serious") but I'd seen that look many times before, so I gave him my best "Oh yes, I am. And stop calling me Shirley" look BACK.

I hopped out of the van, straightened my outfit, and sauntered back into the club to join my friends. Of course, they wanted to know if we'd done it. "Are you kidding me?" I said. "Do you think I'd give it up for some HOODLUM? Please."

So Smash, if I ever come to visit you, be well aware that I have master willpower when it comes to bad boys.

But, oddly enough, I never did throw out that bottle of Obsession.