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2008-07-14 - 12:13 a.m.

Squeaking By

Me again! Can you believe it? I'm sorta kinda posting on a regular basis! All I needed was a bit of structure and some out & about in the the big bad world shit to talk about.

The job continues to go very well, aside from me being late to work on Wednesday cuz I hit the snooze button about, um, 4 times too many.

You know, I completely and absolutely ROCK at what I do -- I'm one organized, fast, self-motivated, industrious, enthusiastic, intelligent, clever, problem-solving and issue-tackling BEYOTCH (with a friendly smile) -- but when it comes to getting to work on time EVERY SINGLE DAY? Gah. No can do.

It's my only real flaw in the workaday world. Unfortunately, it's a biggie. Why can't I have some little flaw, like forgetting to clean out the coffee maker every day? Or typical shit, like dragging my feet on filing, or being a snob to the idea of taking out the trash? (He never asked me to, but I did it because it needed to be done, plus we hadn't hired a cleaning crew yet and he's got back problems).

But nooooo....my flaw is one that could cause JOB LOSS and my temp agency dumping my ass. SWEET! And now I'm so fucking paranoid about being late, I get all worked up and nervous at night, so I can't sleep, which causes me to not wanna get out of bed in the morning. But it's the strangest thing: Sometimes I do better on only a few hours of sleep. Other days, I drag myself around like a zombie if sleep TOO much. Every day is so different...I can't make heads or tails of my pattern.

Thing is, even if I show up on time (or a few mins early) to work every day for say, the next two to three weeks straight (which would be a miracle), I KNOW I will fuck it up sooner or later. Not to be negative, just realistic. That's just me. I'm a rebel about being at a certain place at a certain time. There is nothing worse than having to call the boss and tell him I'm running late...and then us having the little "I need you here at 8:30" talk when I finally drag my sheepish ass in.

I'm still terrified too that he's gonna replace me with a "proper" legal secretary when he can afford it...and that his finances at this point are such that he's gonna have to let me go (at least for a few weeks) and muddle through on his own to save money. We haven't generated any new clients yet, and he's spending so much time with doctors and physical therapy for his back problems lately (he's considering surgery). He has to get that dealt with before we DO get some business coming in. I have no idea when he's planning on having surgery, if he goes that route, and if he'll be confined to bed or can work from home or what. Plus I know he's taking a week off for vacation in late August, so I'm not sure if he's gonna have me come in while he's gone, or shut down the office for a week, or ask me to work half days only, or what.

And above and beyond ALL of this is the fact that I do not make enough money to pay my bills. I have to look out for ME, so I think I'm gonna hunt for a full-time perm job (with benefits!) and begin sending out resumes to be on the safe side. If nothing comes of it, at least I tried. And if I do get an interview, I'm gonna have to either make up an excuse to leave work for a few hours, or fess up (if I'm still even working there!) I know the polite thing to do is tell an employer if you're looking elsewhere, but things are so dicey, it's not a good idea. So I came up with a plan if I get an interview: Tell him about it, and when he says "Oh, whoa, I didn't realize you were looking," I'll say "I wasn't! This was a company I'd submitted a resume to months ago and now they have an opening. I feel like I should at least interview with them..."

Clever, huh? Or completely boneheaded. But I'm getting ahead of myself. We'll see. Cross that bridge when I come to it. *sigh*

But the money situation is KILLING ME. My own damn fault for staying out of the workforce so long, but it really bites making less money than I made 15 years ago as a temp (making copies for a shitload of binders). I spent last week TERRIFIED about my account being overdrawn. I had $703.87 in the bank. My rent check was $700. Then I bit the bullet and wrote checks for electricity and water mid-week, hoping and praying they wouldn't clear until my latest SL cashout hit the bank (would cover one bill, not the other), and then holding on with my eyes closed like I was on a roller coaster while I white-knuckled my way until I could deposit my (tiny 3 day workweek) paycheck on Friday.

Somehow, amazingly, I squeaked by. And I was bolstered by news in the mail that I WOULD be receiving the $600 economic stimulus payment from the gov't soon, which I'd thought months ago I *wouldn't* get, because I hadn't heard a goddamn peep from them that I qualified. Of course, where that money is, no idea. I'm supposed to contact them if I don't receive it within 6 weeks. But OMG, I was jumping up and down with the news. I CAN PAY RENT, I CAN PAY RENT!

Now I just don't know if that'll be for August rent...or September.

In the meantime, with my latest paycheck, I went to the grocery store on Saturday and finally bought everything I'd been putting off for weeks and was getting close to running out of (foil, butter, paper towels, etc) and stuff I was in dire need of (dog food)...plus, ya know, HUMAN FOOD, and I was thinking it was about $100 worth of stuff. When it rang up to $157, I CRINGED. (Especially since I'd already stopped at the Kroger gas station and filled up $20 worth for a half tank to get me through part of the week).

Uh oh. Oh fucking hell. Technically, I could've put several things back, but I wasn't about to mess with that, since most of it was already bagged. I didn't want to be some scene out of Terms of Endearment with people scowling at me.

I drove the short distance home thinking "It'll be fine. You needed most of what you bought. You'll get by, no worries....DON'T WORRY."

Then I checked my bank balance this morning and realized that not only did I basically blow the majority of my paycheck at Kroger...but my electricity and water bills STILL HAVE NOT CLEARED.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I've got another $30 coming into my account from Second Life cashouts from late last week and this week, but not enough to cover both of those f'n bills. And it wasn't pleasant to discover that all my auto withdrawals hit (TiVo, Rhapsody), so the extra money I had is now GONE. To make matters WORSE, all my hostessing gigs in SL were cancelled this weekend because of Gay Pride week (DJ was doing gigs elsewhere), so I didn't make any extra money.

Then I logged on late tonight to check in with folks, only to find out that today's gig at the club went on as normally scheduled and I totally MISSED IT because I had NO IDEA. My gay buddies were sending me instant messages asking if I was ok and why I didn't show up. "Because the DJ told me all the shows were cancelled this weekened...GRRRR!" (I love that DJ but he's so scatterbrained!)

There's $10-$20 out the window. Although, I did help him promote his set at Gay Pride yesterday and he threw me a nice tip for doing so (I tried to come on as his official hostess, but the sim owner basically ignored me). So I unofficially hosted, then wound up in an intimate and interesting conversation with a guy I thought was gay, but is actually bi. I discovered he has a major crush on me. Which is funny, because I have a major crush on him TOO. But he's already partnered in SL, and doesn't wanna cheat. I respect that, absolutely. So we slow danced and flirted at a quiet piano bar. We joked about a threesome with me, him and his guy. Tonight he told me he "jokingly" mentioned it to his partner and that idea was shot down. Heh. Oh well. They like to sammich me on the dancefloor, so that'll do for now.

And speaking of MEN, the thing with the online dating guy/SL romance thing is dead in the fuckin' water. We were partnered all of a week, and he totally flaked on me! Bailed on me, out of the BLUE, without any reason whatsoever. We briefly talked after he dissolved the partnership and basically, he got a bit scared by everything. I really don't understand. Before we could discuss things in depth, he had to log off. He said he would log on later so we could talk, and while he DID show up online hours later, he didn't say a word to me! I ignored him right back. I'm very confused about the whole damn thing. I was thinking maybe there was a chance we could reconcile and work it out, but he's been MIA for the most part.

I am trying not to take it very hard. I only knew him a few months online, a week inworld on SL, and thank the noodley appendage, I didn't become TOO attached, so it's not like I'm "heartbroken." Disappointed? Yes. Confused? Yes. Sad? Yes. Trying not to dwell on it? Yes.

Fuck it already. Halo has other fish to fry.

Plus, I'm busy trying to get my ass fired from work. I got shit to fuck up, people!

But in GOOD news...I finally managed to tackle cleaning my apartment this weekend. Damn, I rock. Such a burden lifted. It will all look like shit in 3 days, but at least things are in somewhat better-ish shape for now.

Now, if you don't mind, I need to head out to the Waffle House parking lot and offer discounts on blowjobs to random truckers & thrice divorced 60 year-olds.

Shit, peeps, I's got BILLS to pay!

Word to your mother, yo.