So here's something I figured out about my bossman. When he gives me a new task, then suggests the way to go about doing it, he always tells me the most convoluted method first.

For example, today he gave me a big list of company names for an upcoming mailing. He needed me to track down the addresses and appropriate contacts. Straightforward enough, I thought (albeit tedious as fuck).

Here's what he suggested at first: I should go the Kentucky Secretary of State's website, and locate each company's registered business agent (which may, or may not be, the actual headquarters of each company).

I'm nodding and scribbling notes while he's talking, all the while thinking, "Huh? Wouldn't it just be easier to look up each company's website?"

He continues to ramble on with his brilliant plan, then suddenly stopped and said "You know what? I bet all these companies have websites. That might be the easiest way to go."

NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!

Second case in point: He was supposed to make a final decision today about whether or not to order another batch of business announcement cards. After either a great deal of thinking, or perhaps 15 minutes worth, he comes up with a "new strategy." The next batch of cards will be sent with targeted letters (hence the reason for the task mentioned above), so we can eliminate the need to order notecard envelopes this round. We can use our business-size envelopes instead!

He was flipping the envelope around at his desk, with a look of complete satisfaction on his face. So I couldn't help but ask "Will the announcement card FIT in that envelope?"

He paused. Stopped flipping. "Oh. I dunno, let's see."

I ran into the other room, grabbed a card and brought it to him. Oops. About a 1/4" too big. He then spent 5 minutes mulling over whether the printing company could cut down the next batch to fit.

"I'm sure they could," I offered, "but doesn't the letter you're sending basically serve as the announcement? Why do you need both?"

"Hmmmm, good point. But the new announcements will have our website address on them." He gave me a stymied look.

"Yes," I replied, "but so will your new business cards. Let's just slip one of those in with each letter."

"Oh, we could, but why bother when my information is already on our letterhead?" he countered.

(Goddamn attorneys!)

"Yes, but it doesn't include our web address at the top, and many times executives like to keep business cards, or hand them over to their assistants to enter into contact databases," I authoritatively stated.

He gave me an excellent point look. Bottom line: We're running with my idea.

(I won my case! I FUCKIN' ROCK!)

I dunno why everything has to be 20 times more complicated than it actually is. Maybe it's a lawyer thing. That's why they bring in the major bucks. Meanwhile, I'm doing all the actual work, so he'll have more time to figure out ways to turn the form letters into little jaunty hats or some shit.

But really, it's all quite cool. I have been trying to find things to keep me busy the last couple of days, so while this address research project might make me want to stab my eyeballs out in a few days, it's SOMETHING to do.

Yesterday he left nearly 3 hours early for some doctor appointments, and I was roaming around the office searching for something to keep me occupied. After conquering 17 basquillion levels of Jewel Quest, I remembered that the Showtime website had a bunch of episodes of its most popular shows online. So I put on my headphones (brought from home in desperation -- I have no speakers at work and I'm hesitant to ask him to buy me any), and watched most of an episode of "Dexter" that I'd missed. I just leaned back in my big ol' leather chair, rested my stocking feet on my PC and killed 40 minutes before I had to leave.

Not too shabby.

But all my non-chalant relaxing belied my inner turmoil focused squarely on my bank account, which was overdrawn by $10.48 (GOD-FUCKING-DAMMMMMMIT!) I thought I was still ok from checking my balance on Monday, but when I went to throw a wee bit of cash left on a credit card into my account at lunch, the teller informed me that my account was overdrawn and he could help me save some fees by signed up for "REAL" overdraft protection (instead of having it take it from my savings account, which has a balance of ZERO). So I filled in this silly application, only to realize later that I had applied for their f'n CREDIT CARD, which I'm sure will get thrown back in my face with a big D.B. for "DENIED, BITCH!"

However, before I zoomed out of the drive-thru lane, I asked the teller if they would consider waiving some fees for me...I gave him my best desperate voice (didn't need to fake it a BIT) over the intercom ("HI EVERYONE AROUND ME! I'M BROKE!")

I have no shame. WHEEEEEE!

He said they might be able to do something for me and to call in a few days when everything went through the system. Today I checked my balance and they slapped me with TWO $33 fees plus I get charged $6 for everyday I'm overdrawn! I put in a call to my bank branch this afternoon while boss was at lunch, explained the situation, and the gal said she would have the customer service manager call me back to see if they could help me out. As much as I don't like the idea of MY BANK CALLING ME AT WORK, especially since my BOSS MIGHT ANSWER THE PHONE, my home phone is still on the blink and I can't afford more minutes for my temp cell phone (I need to keep the 30 units I have for calls to mom).

What's a girl to DO, I ask you?

And if you think all THAT'S pathetic, check out what I had to do yesterday in order to buy lunch (since I totally forgot to fix a sammich and was almost running late): After scrounging through my purse, my tote bag, AND my car...I came up with $1.40 in change, about 35 of it in PENNIES.

Oh, it gets BETTER! I drove to Burger King with a FREE WHOPPER COUPON (cuz I took a phone survey the day before), but I had to order a small drink and fries to qualify. And a girl like me CANNOT get a burger without CHEESE, so they tacked a bit extra on for that while I winced at my total of $2.33. My ace in the hole was the TWO DOLLARS I had left on one credit card.

I pulled up to the cashier and whipped out my FUCKING BAGGIE OF CHANGE (mixed with ibrupofen tablets), so after about 2 minutes of sorting the pills from the change, I handed 3 clumps of coins over to her, then gave her my credit card for the remaining 93 cents. I TOLD you people I was pathetic.

To make matters more interesting, I was TERRIFIED the card wouldn't go through. But thankfully it did, and after I drove off with my prized nibs, I let out a huge sigh of relief and then had a little freak-out in my mind of how low I'd fucking sunk.

After all that drama at the drive-thru and a boring afternoon at work, I got home to discover that the dogs had RIPPED OPEN THE ENTIRE COUCH. Total absolute destruction. It's history. They also ripped into half of my easy chair. That was the final straw.

I shrieked in anger and start ranting at the dogs ("Should I bring the bed out here for you to EAT? HUH? WOULD YOU LIKE THAT?") Everything about my situation boiled over and I began shaking, then sobbing in the kitchen. (Did I mention I have PMS this week on top of EVERYTHING ELSE?)

Within 10 minutes, I was calm and collected. There is nothing I can do about any of it right now. Once I figure out a way to dispose of these two pieces of furniture (gonna have to pay someone to help me haul it to the trash, I'm guessing), at least I'll have more room in here. I never have visitors, and the dogs use both of those the most anyway, so screw it. They're the ones who will no longer have comfy surfaces to sit on during the day.

In the meantime, I have hauled everything I can fit into my bedroom to keep it closed off from them during the day...but I'm sure more destruction is ahead. I'm scared they're gonna start in on my computer cables but I have NOWHERE ELSE to put my system, so maybe I'll just throw some old bed pillows out for them to gnaw on. Obviously, they have moved past petty doggy toys at this stage.

Although, I did spend $6 on some plastic toys over the weekend in an effort to keep them away from the couch.

The toys are untouched.

I'll have to take some photos of the wreck that is my living room for your amusement. It's all so ridiculous, it is rather funny. Like I said, I'm really past the point of caring. It's just stuff.

But if they lay ONE PAW ON MY COMPUTER, I'm heading over to Wal-Mart to put a shotgun on layaway.

Oh shit, that requires 40% down doesn't it?

FUCK.

Other than that, gang, I'm peachy!

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